So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
