My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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