don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Is it because I queefed?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
don't judge my taste in strippers
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize