1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
