my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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