I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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