worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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