I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize