I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
