Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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