I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
