sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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