I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize