i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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