considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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