I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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