Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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