I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
