I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
