I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The air taste purple.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
