I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
