what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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