I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So vagazzling was a success
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
