he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
