Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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