Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
