i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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