So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize