I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
