Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize