if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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