my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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