I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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