I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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