Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
