Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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