please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
