just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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