Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
