I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
