Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
