The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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