Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
