Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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