note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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