How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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