First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
