so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
