highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
3 2 1 whiskey
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
