Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
ugly people sure do ruin things
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
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