Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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