If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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