last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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