the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
