can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
