Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
