i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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