did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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