R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
