I think scott just propositioned me for sex
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
