I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
