"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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