I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize