Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
