He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I am one with the molecules
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
and you fell through a lawn chair
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
