So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
