Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Everclear isn't food dammit
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
