i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Barsexuality is the new black.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
