I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
