If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
