just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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