Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
