I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
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