life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
