More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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