I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize