I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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